It’s Been A While…

I won’t have any excuse for why I haven’t been there. I figured we’d just have a chat and catch up about life. What has been going on in your world? Mine has been a little lack luster, but hey, I’m here. I debated on how much of myself I should expose in our conversation, but I’ve decided to just rip the band aid and go! Let’s see…the new year wasn’t really all that new to me. I still had the same problems, but new hopes for change. They say change starts from within, but tell me, who in the hell are they? Who are these people that have so much to say about a lot, but really know nothing at all? For the past three months I’ve been taken medication for anxiety and depression. Some days one or other shows up and at times they both appear. How can one cry and worry at the same? Let me tell you it’s exhausting. The medicine helps me believe that my life will get better and my purpose in life will have a say and actually speak up for itself and tell me what it is. He or she still remains silent and sits in his shell like a turtle. There are many things that I enjoy doing like watching Dawson’s Creek, writing when the mood hits me like right now and budgeting money. I swear the only thing that is consistent in my life right now is budgeting my finances.

After a two month hiatus of being out of work due to my anxiety and depression from being at work, I went back this week. What I thought would make me feel better or excited about going back still makes me want another job. The thought of going back makes me feel like failure because it doesn’t bring me joy. On the flip side, I’m not just laying in bed trying to figure out what to do with my life that makes sense or money for that matter. Being back at work I notice that the more things change, the more they stay the same. I was back to the routine that made my anxiety show itself and have worked an extra three hours per night when I’m supposed to only work eight. Sure the overtime money will look good in my bank account, but at what cost is it just enjoy the role? The thing is I get bored easy because once I master something it is no longer challenging. With this work week over I am still not challenged and sleeping sounds more exciting then doing the work. But, I’m grateful for the job because it gives me a place to live and I can buy my food. I don’t want to seem ungrateful because I know there are people who are still not working and would kill for my job, but I am speaking my truth.

I’ve been trusting in God and growing closer to him and not the meds I’m prescribed that is supposed to make me worry less and smile more. Truth is deep down I know I will be okay and everything will be fine. I also know that everything happens for a reason. Even if I question why it’s happening, it’s still for a reason. I’m thankful for my new friends that have helped replace one of the old ones. Loosing a friendship is like death, you grieve, you learn to smile again and then you keep living. I guess I’m still in the grieving phase and not over the break up because who gets married and doesn’t tell their best friend until they send you pictures? I’m used to being hurt by family and boyfriends, but friends, that’s a new kind of pain. They are usually the ones that get you when others don’t. But, I’m strong and will bounce back from that too. My grandmother and my mom always say that Man will you fail you everything, even if they are man. I understand everyone does have your same heart or way of doing things. Still doesn’t make the blow any less easier once it hits you. On a positive note, I started another book, yep that makes three that I need to finish. Writing books used to be exciting and come so naturally that I’d want to write them quick and publish them. I think the lack of sales and rejection letters from agencies killed that spark. But, one day I believe I will get that one yes. I had a friend tell me that I should keep writing because this book is the book. But, truthfully between me and the 5900 of you guys, she never read anything I wrote nor bought a copy. Her response was, ” I’m not a big reader, but if you read to me on the phone.” I even gave her some for free and one day I saw them in the back of the car under the seat. I thought myself, ” pull the knife out why don’t you, lol.

Other than all of that things are okay. I’m feeling a little bit better day by day, I’ve been swiping right on Tinder, applying for new jobs that will hopefully only allow me to work 40 hours a week and not 55, and waiting to see if God will actually bless me with the desires of my heart this year. I mean even if I don’t get all of my desires, some are better than none. The devil is busy and is trying to attack my health. I’ve been diagnosed with diabetes and dangerously low iron which is the result of the sleepiness all the time. Now i have to see if my uterine fibroids are back, which I don’t have time for. My friend told me to consider getting a sperm bank baby since I’m 36 and single. Again, why is she my friend? Lol. Sure, once we as women reach a certain age we joke about it, but who acts on it? For those that have I’m not saying you didn’t make the right decision, I’m just saying I am afraid of needles and do not want to have someone give me daily shots of estrogen in my stomach or my ass. No, thank you! Sorry for the visual that must be in your head, lol.

Reading wise I’m re-reading The Wait by Devon Franklin and Meagan Goode. I also read Worry Less and Pray More which is a women’s devotional for anxiety free living. The one I read today just say, ” People come and go out of your life, but there is a three-in-person who remains, God, Jesus and The Holy Spirit. Wherever you go God sees you, whatever you are experiencing Jesus is familiar with it,whatever comfort you need the spirit is here giving to me.” I’m glad to hear that because I seem to be the comforter for everyone in my life, but no one asks if I need comfort. I have faith in God’s presence and know that he is going to turn it around late in the midnight hour. Okay, I’ve given you the play by play of my life from the last three months. Circumstance and time changes, I know things will get better on the health front, the gifts that God will make room for and the new friends and family that he will place before me one day. If you’ve read this far, you are a real one. Thanks for being a loyal reader. I’m off to watch Season 3 of Dawson’s Creek and have a little bit of wine. Until next time,

~ Krystol

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