Accomplishing Our Purpose, On Purpose

The statue above has been my mood for a couple of days now. Is it your mood as well when it comes to your purpose? Currently, I’m reading The Richest Man in Babylon by George S. Clason. If you haven’t read it, PLEASE DO! The story that I just finished is called, ” Seven Cures For A Lean Purse.” As I read these cures, I noticed that it was a replica of how to get in tune with your personal finances. It reminded me of Dave Ramsey, Suze Orman, Tony Robbins, Warren Buffet, all of the greats who have had the opportunity to become wealthy. But, there was a section in the book that spoke on accomplishing your purpose.

Now…

We often hear or have heard to trust the process, but how do you do that on purpose or with our purpose? There comes a time when we feel like we have our lives figured out to a T and we know what we will become and how we will benefit from it. It’s funny, my mom just said today if you want to make God laugh, make plans. We learn so many things and can be passionate about all of them, but still have trouble seeking what it is we are not only good at, but can do that will make us money and we won’t get bored. Or, is that just me?

When I was a senior in highschool, my father told me to take up accounting because it made $60,000 a year at that time. I wanted no parts of it. I was afraid because I wasn’t the best at math in school. I got a C. He told me, if you can count your money, you can be an accountant. Well, I wanted to help people. I loved giving advice and writing. First, it went to being working in Human Services, which was my first major at community college, I got wind of psychology and fell in LOVE! Then, I wanted to be a shrink and diagnose people mainly because the people in my household were crazy, lol. Then, I wrote my first book after a very bad break up that led to more break ups. I wanted to tell that story and I did. Now, thirteen years later, I develop this passion for personal finance. I noticed my current and previous roles were in the financial services industry. I did collections, customer service for student loans, collected on credit cards and now working with accounts who have six figures and will call about being charged twice for an item on their card. I mean, I get it, it’s their money. I’ve become fascinated with my journey of becoming debt free and personal finance. Crunching numbers, budgeting and figuring out where money goes, is enjoyable to me. Now, I find myself wishing I would have majored in accounting, lol.

How do we accomplish our purpose on purpose, if we are still trying to fine tune what it is? Granted, we learn through trial and error, this job, that job, this opportunity, that opportunity. What will stick that is ours and ours alone? At least the talent portion of it and wanting to do it. They say, if you love what you do, then it’s never a job. No matter if you know your purpose or you are still fine tuning it, keep at it and be the best at whatever it is you are doing. Excel in that job, career or entrepreneur on purpose until your purpose finds you!

Afraid to succeed and fail all at the same time with life and writing

Good morning readers! 

I hope everyone is having a wonderful morning, thus far. This morning when I woke up, I finished reading a book called, ” Writing Down The Bones” by Natalie Goldberg. It’s a book about channeling yourself with your writing, doing writing exercises, and knowing your true voice as a writer. In some areas the book was dry, but I took the time to really read the words instead of it actually being good or bad. Natalie uses many examples of her writing and in her classes that she taught, her students were able to be vulnerable. Of course you have the awkward silence when you are around complete strangers and you have to introduce yourself to everyone. I often get anxiety about any form of public speaking, but hey, I still do it.

What surprised me was…

when Natalie ended the book she stated that she went out for a glass of wine and 2 scoops of coffee ice-cream. She sat to herself and smiled that she completed a novel. The next morning she cried for hours. Then she called her father and said that she was jumping off of the Empire State Building. Her father said, ” Does it have to be that high?” What I liked that this writer was able to tell the readers her emotion based on a big accomplishment.

Then…

I wondered to myself, ” Wow. Did she really kill herself?” I don’t know the answer but Natalie did pass away I believe. This book was published in the 80’s and I didn’t see it then, but I do understand why my sorority sister gave it to me as a gift. Like all writers we are so up and down about our craft, life, etc. We want so badly to be secretly accepted that it’s not even funny. We don’t like the limelight, but through our words (if we sell well or our name is in the credits of that film) we are popular. People are able to see our work and actually like it. A writer can still be famous, without being in the limelight.  People are loving what you write, not who you are. Paparazzi won’t follow you, your life’s success’s and failure won’t be spread across magazine for the world to read. Your secrets, success’s and failures are all your own. Most people don’t care when you do either one. They just want that next book, article, or screenplay that’s SO good. Then I ask myself, ” Once I have written that best-seller or that award-winning screenplay, what’s next?” To go back to the drawing board and try again, just to be accepted into the elite social pool, yet again, just because of my name?”

Hmmm….

Then it hit me. As I reflected on my life in general and as a writer, I realized why I hadn’t been working on my screenplay or novel. You see, I have really awesome days and really bad ones. Only a writer will understand this. I have been writing since I was 15 years old and when I became published in 2008, I was ecstatic! I sold tons of books, people loved it, and I made lots of money. But, then the hype was over. I was being pressured to write more books, which I did. I was expecting the same hype-ness that I had with my first book for my 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8th. I didn’t get it. I didn’t get the sales to go along with anyone more, either. ” Have I lost my mojo?” Why aren’t people dying to buy my work as they were when the first book came out?” I will tell you why, ” You are only as good as your first writing.” It’s like a person trying a drug for the first time, they love the way it makes them feel. They feel free, calm, without a care in the world, they are so happy and feel on top. Once the high wares off, they have to buy more drugs in order to chase that same feeling that they had, the very first time they tried it. They never get that same exact first feeling. Instead, they feel good, but not great, then okay, but not good, then fine, but not ok. This is where an addict and addiction become unbearable. As a writer, we are still chasing that first high, so we write more books to feel as important as we did with our first novel. Shame on us for wanting to feel good about our efforts! How selfish of us, writers!

It hit me…

I haven’t been writing because I have a block up. I’m afraid to both succeed and fail. Now, it doesn’t keep me from trying to succeed. I have 4 completed screenplays that I pitch often to producers, companies, etc. They aren’t being requested and again I’m being rejected. Since I’m having a ton of rejections, I feel, ” Why write new material if the old material is still new and no one will pick it up?” This is my current mindset. Is it right? Absolutely, not. But, it’s real and it’s my feelings. I am entitled to them no matter what anyone else thinks. So, it’s like, ” Oh well, I’m not writing.” The same with my novel that was suppose to be finished over a year ago, my TV pilot that I wrote, and my treatments to some shows that I wrote as well. I had to come to terms with my writing and my self.

Me: I hate writing knowing that I am being rejected by every Tom, Dick, and Harry that I reach out too. But, then as I finished the book this morning, I said to myself, ” Well, I haven’t pitched to Arnold, Billy Bob, or Frank, yet.” As writers we only need that one ” yes” and that’s all it takes. For the last couple of months, I didn’t think my work was worthy of a ” Yes” because no was in the mind of those other people. I’m changing my thought process. I will continue to write and continue to put myself out there, by putting my work out there. All I can keep doing is try. Sure, when I read every rejection I take my pillow and scream into it, maybe even shed a few tears, hey readers, I keep it real. There have been times when I just sobbed because life isn’t going the way I want it too. But, it’s life. There are ups, downs, sideways, and under-neath’s. But, even with all of that I manage to keep writing. Someway. Somehow. If I don’t work on my novel or screenplay, I write this blog, a Facebook post, a journal, a tweet, someone from my new school. All in all, I still write. No one can take that title away from me whether I publish something soon or not. Writing is what I will always do to express myself and tell other people’s stories.

Getting my PhD…

When I got accepted into my PhD program, I was surprised. I was surprised that I got in, but it’s like everything fell into place. I was able to get all of the forms in and even my tax info ( I never know what it is). When I got the acceptance letter, I was so excited. Then my excitement turned to nausea, and then I cried. I cried for several reasons. I can actually achieve such a milestone as to getting accepted, I will be the only one of my immediate family with any degree let alone a PhD. I was also afraid, afraid to fail. But, I won’t fail because I’m determined to succeed. To prepare myself I started reading academic journals, networking with other PhD students, and reading up on dissertation topics. How exciting! I’m living proof that you can do what you put your mind too. That one “yes” of being accepted into this new venture is just the force that I needed. When you are afraid, ask yourself why, channel the fear, and turn it into a positive. Be excited of what’s next to come in your life instead fearing failure.

They say, ” A  journey of a thousand miles starts with just one single step!” Take the journey for what it is and when you get to the destination, enjoy it.

Question: Are you afraid to fail or succeed?

I’ve Got The Writing Blues

Happy Monday!

In spite of it all, I still want to have a happy Monday. What’s going on readers? How was your weekend? Mine was blah! I read some which is good, but writing not so much. I’ve been so stressed out with things that are going on in my personal life you know, not finding a decent job, my writing career slowly slipping away from me. When I say slipping away I mean things aren’t picking up. As my dad’s son says, ” I don’t want to hear any tales of woe, so I don’t answer the phone”, my writing seems stagnant. I feel so blah about it.

What did I do?

I talked to my friend Jordan about it. Well just call her Jordan. Together we prayed and talked out my problems. I felt better a little but I guess patience has never been my strong suit. I’m still a work in progress. What I’ve noticed that I have done is taking the fact that my finances aren’t perfect and putting a block on my writing. Now, I know you may say this is wrong, but it’s hard to write during a time of confusion. At least for me. I do write in my journal and I am writing this blog to you today. But, my stories, not so much. As I sit and think about my life at this crazy stage that it’s in, I notice that I can’t control everything. Mopping around isn’t going to make or break me. So, I just think. Think about if I could afford this or move into this house. Right now I’m just stagnant. I can’t pass go and I can’t collect $200. I even deleted my Facebook page. Why? I just feel it’s not helping my situation as a writer any. Sure, I converse with other writers, but it’s not helping me get a job, my writing off the ground, etc. Plus, I felt that Facebook took too much of my time anyway. So, I don’t regret my decision and you can never delete a Facebook anyway. It will always be there.

There is always something that’s constant and that’s change…

Right now the changes I’m about to underway are not good ones. Well, let me not say that. I will say I’m not used to change that’s I didn’t cause for the better. I will be moving by the end of the summer with my mom. Granted my mom is the best, but the space isn’t big enough for me. This is why I’m trying so hard to get back on my feet and on my own. With the stress and pressure of trying to succeed in this venture, it hurts my creativity. Resumes, cover letters, and the million and one questions that companies ask me when applying to work for them is a handful. It’s worth it if I’m called for an interview, but when I’m not, it’s a waste of time. Rejection at this point is at an ultimate high and I’m frustrated. But, that little person inside of me says not to give up. So I don’t. I know that there are many people who are technically unemployed and I pray for you as well. The struggle is real. Being in a funk sucks, but I’m not staying there. Watching funny shows and listening to awesome music helps! I don’t have many friends anymore and the ones I do have, I don’t share with them because they don’t know what it’s like, aren’t there, or offer any help or advice. So, I just keep it to myself and my journal. Life has a way of sorting itself out. I guess right now my life shuffling and hopefully it will deal me out a winning hand.

No matter what failure isn’t an option…